By Donald O’Treply

Definitions

Before we break into the intricacies of third wheel etiquette, it’s important to define what it actually is. Since it’s widely recognized that the best three opening words of any speech are “Webster’s dictionary defines…” then I’d like to begin with some definitions.

“Third” is the spelled-out ordinal form of the cardinal number 3 (three). Keep this number in mind because it’s going to come up quite a bit in the following discussion.

A “wheel”, according to Wikipedia, is “a circular block of a hard and durable material at whose center has been bored a hole through which is placed an axle bearing about which the wheel rotates when torque is applied to the wheel about its axis.”

Finally, “etiquette” requires a bit more etymology and like our subject itself, the word is made up of three—see, there it is again—parts:

  • “et” is the Latin word for “and”
  • “iqu” is the Old German spelling of “ich” meaning “I”
  • “ette” is a French suffix meaning “little”

So as you can see, “etiquette” is a truly international word (as hopefully third wheel etiquette becomes universally practiced). Putting these three parts together, we see that “etiquette” literally means “and I a little.”

So summing it up, third wheel etiquette is not two, not four, but three circular bored blocks rotating around an axle (including a little bit of you).

Introduction

Listen, nobody wants to be a third wheel, but sometimes it simply can’t be avoided. For example, you might be bored and they’re doing something fun.

The Rules

  • Ask lots of questions. Dig deep. Make it personal.
  • Try to sit between them so there’s less awkwardness.
  • Understand that they want to buy you a third ticket, it is just your responsibility to relieve them of the burden of being too forward.
  • It is your job to break up any sexual chemistry so they don’t embarrass themselves.

Safe Topics

  • Their biggest fight
  • Finances
  • Religion and politics (especially if they disagree). Even if they agree on most things, try to find the topic or point where there is some contention so that you can help strengthen the relationship. (Note that this particular piece of advice is not just limited to romantic pairings when you are serving as a third wheel but is a good topic for any gathering.)

Topics to Avoid

  • The weather
  • Reciprocating any question they might ask you

Author profile

Donald O’Treply—or Don to his friends (which could be you, especially if you are in a relationship)—is a lifetime third-wheeler. Lately he has been trying to break into the fifth wheel game by joining double dates. He may have already sent you emails from the many companies and organizations for which works, but if not, he can be reached at: donotreply@attrishnot.net. [Note that he is unlikely to respond to your missives.] He lives in the United States with his wife and four children.